02 Jan The complexities of seeing in another new year…
2022 into 2023
I struggle every time someone wishes me ‘happy new year’ and can’t quite bring myself to say it back. Happy isn’t what it used to be – and how can we possibly assume a new year will be happy?
2018 started happy – then it wasn’t!
That’s not to say I never feel happy or don’t want everyone to have a happy year – of course I do. It doesn’t mean I’m not thankful because I am – but losing Ben changed everything and (I think I speak on behalf of all bereaved parents when I say) having to live without one of your precious children takes the edge off any joy or happiness we feel.
It’s hard to celebrate when your heart is broken and empty and flat.
So I did a little research into the meaning of the word happy…
According to Kendra Cherry (author)…
“Happiness is an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. While happiness has many different definitions, it is often described as involving positive emotions and life satisfaction.”
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-happiness-4869755
It makes sense that I now exist in a state of watered down happiness because it’s mixed with pain, sadness, grief, fear and apprehension. In all honesty I can’t say that I always have ‘positive emotions and life satisfaction!’ Most of the time I feel like I’m stuck in a kind of sacred space or limbo – somewhere between life and death; happiness and sadness; joy and pain; thankfulness and despair.
And every new year takes me further away from the world Ben was in. Every time I see or hear the date 2018 – I feel a stab of pain that makes my heart go into a weird spasm. It’s a bitter reminder of the year our lives were turned upside down and never properly righted!
So the ‘happy’ struggle remains even though I’m probably getting more used to living with my distorted self. I guess in a strange kind of way I must be allowing loss to enrich my life – (hopefully making me more compassionate and empathetic) – bringing good out of something that’s most definitely not good! But nothing about this is easy – it’s a slow hard painful journey and I’m still very fragile and broken.
The positives are that Ben’s love is as strong as ever. It connects us because love has an unbreakable cord. I believe he’s having wonderful adventures in heaven. I don’t think he misses us like we miss him because I imagine time doesn’t exist where he is (a bit like walking through the wardrobe in CS Lewis’s Narnia books). I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the blessings of every one of our incredible awesome family and faithful friends who continue to walk with us. And finally I’m trying to soak up God’s goodness and unconditional love in order to give me hope and purpose.
Jerry Sittser who lost his mum wife and daughter in a car accident writes…
“I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.”
A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss
So instead of saying happy new year – I wish you all peace and hope for 2023…
“make beautiful ‘one moments’, be thankful, cherish those you love and never ever take anyone or anything precious for granted.”
And for my darling Ben…
(I didn’t write these words but they’re perfect)
“To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.
To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.
To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,
I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.
To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,
And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honor you,
I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,
Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.
So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do,
I do to honor you.”
- Connie F. Kiefer Byrd (for her son)