30 Oct The anti-social side of grief…

6 years without Ben

October 2024

“grief is love. and it is also panic. screaming. guilt. isolation.

empty spaces. unspoken names. unwanted goodbyes. photographs missing faces. homes missing laughter. waiting for a dream. getting a nightmare instead. stolen memories. endless tears. endless aching. made from love but becoming much more than that. grief is a bleeding hand holding a stem full of thorns being told to focus on the rose.”

– sara rian

June 2018 was my 60th birthday.

I’ve always loved hosting parties so took great pleasure in organising my own birthday garden party! June is the perfect month for an outdoor event – BBQ, candles, music…. I was in my element floating around like a social butterfly chatting, laughing – surrounded by beautiful family and friends. My only regret was that our youngest son Ben couldn’t be there – he was miles away, having the time of his life, working as a raft guide at an outdoor activity centre in Norway for six months.

Ben came home in September full of love and life and laughter but on 7th October (whilst running a half marathon ) went into cardiac arrest and left our world!

His last birthday postcard has become one of my most treasured possessions 💛

Now the mere thought of hosting a party fills me with absolute terror.

I can just about cope with inviting a few friends over for dinner but even that isn’t as simple and straightforward as it once was.

And though I do sometimes go to parties, I don’t mingle well and find myself hanging around ‘safe’ people.

If anyone had told me that losing my darling boy would change my personality so drastically I honestly wouldn’t have believed them. I can only assume a combination of shock and grief eradicated the old me and left a stranger living in my body.

“you left.

the world got darker. my days grew colder.

i find warmth in new spaces. but it’s like lighting candles trying to replace the sun.”

– Sara rian

Excruciating and indescribable sadness is what you would expect following the loss of a precious loved one.

A broken shattered heart goes without saying

But I could never have anticipated the ambivalence that swept in and stole my confidence – leaving me fearful, lost and anxious.

It doesn’t make sense and is hard to describe.

I would have assumed that somewhere in amongst all the pain the old me would still exist. But although to everyone else I probably look the same – I know I’m not!

People often say they wouldn’t survive if something happened to their child and although somehow you do – it’s not without cost.

Your world turns upside down and explodes into millions of pieces. The pieces reconnect but in a different order. Nothing is the same…

including us.

Even so, I naively assumed that my grief induced social paralysis would be temporary – that time would be a healer and eventually I’d revert to being the normal me.

How little I knew and how wrong I was!

Six years on and although on the surface I’m definitely stronger and more together – the plethora of social anomalies that often go hand in hand with grief, seem to be here to stay.

I didn’t realise there would be times when it would be easier to withdraw – because living without Ben is too hard.

I didn’t know how much grief can affect resilience, distort relationships and change how we think.

And I definitely had no idea how vulnerable, awkward and over sensitive I would become or how often I’d have to try and quieten irrational thoughts!

“Grief is not lineat – it doesn’t start strong and taper off with time.

Rather, it is like a storm, that grows smaller ot larger

in the same day, and often within hours.”

– author unknown

Just a few weeks ago I was very kindly invited to a friend’s 60th birthday (‘girls’) weekend.

I accepted the invitation because of course I wanted to go and the old me would have jumped at the chance!

But as soon as the planning chat started, I panicked – anxiety levels shot through the roof until eventually I had to message my friend and say I couldn’t go.

I could never have anticipated that the simple act of planning ahead would be such a challenge or that I might need to avoid social events for fear of not fitting in.

Maybe it’s just hard being with people experiencing feelings that no longer seem to exist for us.

I tried to explain – but it’s almost impossible to talk about something so personal. It makes me feel needy, vulnerable and quite frankly – a bit weird.

People say that grief is lonely and I guess that’s because we have to face it alone. No one else can truly feel what we feel or understand anxieties that are sometimes off the scale.

There are no words to explain emotions and insecurities that are so complex they distort our reactions.

And it’s embarrassing to own up to a social paranoia that’s irrational and doesn’t make sense – even to me!!

I kept telling myself to put my big girl’s pants on and get a grip!! This is a group of lovely people I’ve known for years!

Maybe I should have talked myself into going…

but I just couldn’t!

I know, in truth, that the world has not been changed by the loss of you,
and yet, I do not recognise this world I find myself in without you.

– Edward Lee

I wanted to share these thoughts as I’m sure others must be feeling the same. We battle against accepting changes that are out of our control. I’m sure it’s frustrating for others but not nearly as frustrating as it is for us!!

Losing our darling child simply affects everything – each of us in different ways and at different times. Loving them and missing them is like hauling around a sack of pain. Some days it’s heavier and harder than others – for no obvious reason. Grief is sneaky. Triggers spring out of nowhere and leave us raw and ragged.

There are simply things we can do and things we can’t – days we can do them and days we can’t!

Life is now a complex mosaic of light and darkness, love and loss, joy and sorrow, smiles and tears, calm and turmoil. I guess all we can do is follow our hearts and our instincts – knowing when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’!

For Ben 💛

CREDIT: Ruth McDonald 2024

“The truth is, you are alone in your grief.

You alone carry the knowledge of how your grief lives in you. You alone know all the filaments of life and love that fly through you. You alone know how deeply your life is now changed.

You alone have to face this, inside your own heart.”

–MEGAN DEVINE