26 Mar Plan B…

March 2024

You should still be here – it’s as simple as that!

Children are not meant to die before their parents.

Brothers and sisters are not meant to lose a sibling.

Grandparents are not meant to have to support their child through the death of their child.

But it happens and since losing Ben I’ve discovered so many families just like us, trying their best to survive Plan B…

– masking unimaginable and indescribable pain.

– trying to slot back into a world that feels empty and uncomfortable and wrong.

– carrying around a sack of grief that’s probably considered to be well past its ‘sell by date’.

There’s no two ways about it – Plan B is disappointing, devastating and disorienting.

None of us ever expected to be here and nothing could have prepared us for it. Suddenly and without any warning the unthinkable happened. We were catapulted (kicking and screaming) from a world we knew – into a world we didn’t.

In the blink of an eye we found ourselves stuck in a strange no-man’s land – unable to go back and struggling to go forward…

…longing for the life we thought we would be living

…grieving – not just the loss of our darling child – but the loss of the future we expected to be sharing with them.

Part of me died that day too!

We weren’t ready for this.

We could never have been ready for this!

Those who know me know I’m a bit of a cryer! But since losing Ben I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t just cry for our loss – I cry for every family suffering the loss of their child / children. I cry for war, famine, sickness and all the other terrible evil things that happen in this world.

I went to Ben’s little patch of ground in the meadow the other day and just sobbed and sobbed. There are no words to describe how much I miss him and my heart still struggles to accept he’s gone forever.

This is plan B – some days bearable, others not. Days I think I’m going crazy, days I don’t want to keep living and days when I feel fairly normal and almost happy!!

I go to work, cook, clean and meet up with friends. I go on holiday, have hobbies and walk the dog. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband and an awesome family. We have four children and six adorable grandchildren – but never for one second do I forget that our darling youngest child died.

He will always be twenty five and always my child. Just writing those words feels unreal – I think this can’t possibly be our story!

So blessed but so broken.

go ahead and ask me
if i would chose this life again 
knowing i would be left with 
only memories of you
and a lifetime of grief. 
i would answer 
over
and over 
and over again. 

- sara rian

Don’t let anyone tell you that you will get over losing your child – that’s simply not possible. There is no fixing something so broken. Ben will always be missing and our hearts will always be shattered. Nothing or nobody can fill his space.

The only thing I can do is fill that space until it’s literally bursting with love. His love for us and our love for him.

The joys, the sadness, the pain, the love, the memories all in one sacred place. Sometimes separated out and other times all mixed up together – but every single emotion underpinned by LOVE.

Love is the seed that keeps us alive – without it we couldn’t go on. The more we water it the more it grows. Love gives us hope and love gives us strength.

This is grief and I’m learning to embrace all the feelings – without guilt.

One of the quotes that jumped out after Ben died was that ‘grief is simply love’. I remember thinking YES, YES, YES!

Of course I didn’t want the grief but held onto his beautiful love for dear life. I soaked myself in it! If you love, you will grieve – that’s a fact. We will grieve forever because we will love forever!

When Ben died I couldn’t understand why or how God could have allowed this to happen. I’m no closer to having an answer so just blindly and reluctantly accept it will never make sense. Maybe one day I’ll see the bigger picture but for now I hold on to a simple belief (that is very real to me) – that the God I trusted in plan A is still with me in plan B. And I desperately need his strength to survive.

I’ll always struggle to live in a world without my darling boy and would give anything for our family to be whole again But I’m so thankful the beautiful unconditional love I feel for each of my four children, is as strong today as it ever was. Each one irreplaceable; each one an inspiration.

Blessed and broken!

For Ben 💛

CREDIT: Ruth McDonald 2024