31 Mar Grief and fear and coronavirus

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

This is going to be a complicated post as I try to get to grips with living with grief at the same time as living in the middle of a Coronavirus pandemic. It’s a precarious balancing act of juggling already frazzled emotions with this new surreal existence – in the full knowledge that our worst fears actually can happen.

For eighteen months I have been trying to realign life through the murky lens of grief. Nothing is clear any more.

There has been one adjustment after the other as I reluctantly try to come to terms with the horrible painful fact that my lovely son has really left this world. I still struggle to believe it is even possible.

And now this… trying to accept another layer of abnormality on top of an already shaky existence. Life has just got a whole lot scarier!

Ben’s death didn’t just steal my boy – it sapped my confidence and left me weak, vulnerable, fearful and insecure. I relive the moment my happy safe world fell apart – over and over again.

Fear gripped us that day and it hasn’t left! Even after all these months we still can’t fully comprehend a world without him.

Losing a child is the deepest darkest heaviest grief I have ever known – the terror is unimaginable; it’s far more painful and frightening than I can describe. I’m fearful that if it can happen once, it can happen again.

When author CS Lewis lost his wife, he wrote that he never knew grief felt so much like fear.

It’s true – fear leads to anxiety. Fear steals our joy. Fear affects our relationships. We don’t function rationally when we’re afraid.

Now every one of us is facing this frightening global threat of COVID-19. Suddenly we’re all having to live a life we haven’t chosen!

Our world has been attacked by a deadly coronavirus that is spreading from person to person at an alarming rate. Thousands of people are dying. No one is safe!

Death is at the forefront of everyone’s thoughts. TV and social media is full of facts and figures that are unfathomable and terrifying. We’re forced into an alternative way of living – a lockdown where we’re hardly allowed to leave our homes. We’re isolated and lonely. Separated from our loved ones; with no idea when we will see them again plus we’re scared that any one could catch the virus and die.

But we do this willingly because by staying at home we are doing our little bit to help.

“and then the whole world walked inside and shut their doors

and said we will stop it all. everything. to protect our weakest ones, our oldest ones.

and nothing, nothing in the history of humankind ever felt more like love than this.”

-CD

NHS staff are working tirelessly trying to keep people alive…

…yet as I write my heart breaks for the hundreds of families every day who are hearing those terrifying words that I know only too well –

‘I’m so sorry. We did everything we could!’

My already unsafe world is completely falling apart. My mind is going round and round in circles. Sleep is more erratic than ever and panic attacks jolt me out of horrible dreams. I fear for my parents, my pregnant daughter, my little granddaughter who has had heart surgery – in fact, for everyone I love!!

The reality is I would stay in lockdown for a year if I thought I’d see Ben again at the end of it!! I keep hearing people saying how much they’re struggling with missing their children – it feels like a stab in my heart!! Their separation is temporary; I’ll miss mine forever.

I know that our worst fears can actually happen!! If our beautiful happy, fit and healthy boy can suddenly die without any warning – anyone can.

New words and phrases have become the norm as we talk about self isolation, social distancing, shielding and flattening the curve. I feel like I’m living in a film. Just wish I could fast forward to find out what happens at the end.

Yet I know that when this is all over we actually have no normal to return to.

“When life goes back to normal for everyone else, my normal is back to life without you.”

(Grief to glorious unfolding)

I want to talk to him about this. He would have so much to say. I loved his wise thoughts and opinions. His ability to bring a sensitive humour into stressful situations. His positivity and his beautiful infectious smile. I desperately need one of his big loving hugs right now. The pain of his absence is hurting more than ever.

Part of me just wants to catch the dreaded virus and go to be with my darling boy. A weird peace has settled over me that makes me think I could be a ittle bit closer to joining him.

We’re living through a historical pandemic!! A worldwide crisis of gigantic proportions with a mortality rate higher than anything we have ever known in our lifetime. Yet we must keep reminding ourselves that the majority of people will make a full recovery!

I’m frightened that all this is masking the enormity of Ben’s death – frightened that in all this chaos he will be forgotten. That terrifies me too!

Fear is everywhere. Fear of death, fear of not having enough food, fear of isolation, loneliness and financial ruin!!

But maybe we’re also starting to appreciate the simple things of life. We take so much for granted and sometime only notice the value of a moment when it becomes a memory!

A friend gave me a card showing a man walking on a tightrope, precariously trying to keep his balance. He must stay calm and focused or he’ll fall. That’s it! We can only cautiously move forward one tentative step at a time. There is no going back and no guarantees that we will make it; no safety net!

Our world is even more uncertain than ever, yet I’m actually feeling surprisingly calm. I’ve survived the death of my child. I’ve found hidden resources of strength in pain and heartache – strengths that I didn’t know I had. I’m somehow holding on to hope and looking straight ahead as I take those small careful steps. I was doing this before the coronavirus struck and I will do it now!

Can anything be worse than losing Ben?

I don’t want fear to detract me from the time I have left with my precious living family. Fear won’t keep them here for one minute longer.

I want to trust God when he says ‘do not be afraid for I am with you’. That verse doesn’t imply everything will be ok. It simply says he will be with us even when it’s not!

I’m want to keep looking for joy in the little things.

I want to enjoy the one moments.

I will look for silver linings

I must hold on to hope.

It’s not over yet. We anticipate months of lockdown – of living in isolation. But we’re all stronger than we think and we’re already finding new ways of connecting with each other. It’s counterproductive to look too far into a future that is completely out of our control.

Beautiful selfless acts of kindness are the rainbows that give us hope – our hearts may be broken but they’re actually still full of love.

When the world around us is in pain all we can do is hold on to that love!

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength”

Corrie Ten Boom