24 Feb Finding hope…

‘And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.’
1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank God for love – the precious gift not even death can take from us. The thing that remains long after our special person has left this world. The invisible blanket that keeps us all wrapped up together – forever.

But hope…I find hope something of an enigma.

I don’t know about you but it seems a strange word to use in the context of grief. I’m just never sure what I should be hoping for and find myself having to unravel its mystery over and over again.

The Cambridge Dictionary definition of hope is…

‘to want something to happen or to be true, and usually have a reason to think that it might!’

Which isn’t really helpful because the one thing I want more than anything to be true is for my darling boy to still be here. All the hope in the world can never bring him back.

Yet I think it must be hope that gives me the will to keep on living without him – year after year after year! It must be hope that pulls me out of the sadness pit – time after time after time. And it must be hope that keeps him alive inside my broken hurting heart – forever and ever.

So I wonder if hope is a bit like a lighthouse – something that directs us to safety when we think we’re drowning?

“The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.”

Barbara Kingsolver

It’s possible I’m overthinking it but maybe hope is not as elusive or difficult to understand as it seems…

Could the little whispers of positivity that break through the darkness be hope?

Could the moments when we laugh and feel joy (something i thought i never would again) be hope?

Could the love of family and friends be hope?

Could finding unexpected things that remind us of our special person be hope?

Could even the kind words of a stranger be hope?

Maybe hope is nothing more than random little glimmers of something beautiful that we can’t even put into words. Things that help make life worth living.

When Ben died our world lost its colour – in the blink of an eye everything turned grey, monotone, bland.

Ben was one of those vibrant happy people who brought joy and positivity into a room. He saw life as an adventure – grasped it with both hands and lived it to the full. He packed so much joy into his 25 beautiful years. And it’s been hard to find colour since the day he left. There’s a huge hole in our world where he should be.

If I was to describe Ben as a colour it would definitely be yellow – sunshine, daffodils, sunsets, sunflowers…

The colour of spring as it breaks through the gloom of winter!!

Ben brightened our world; yellow brightens our world – it brings warmth and sunshine and happiness.

So for me – hope is yellow 💛

I’m starting to see that hope must be what inspires us to push through whatever difficulties we’re facing. Hope isn’t a fixer and definitely doesn’t take sadness away but can change our perspective. It can bring light into our darkness and exist alongside pain.

Hope can actually give us the will to live!

When I do something to honour Ben – I feel hope.

When I connect with other grieving parents I feel hope.

When we relive precious memories – I feel hope.

When an awesome sunrise or sunset opens a window into heaven – I feel hope.

When someone talks about Ben or even just mentions his name – I feel hope.

When my children / grandchildren hug me I feel hope.

When I sense a God given ‘peace that passes all understanding ‘ I feel hope.

When I write I feel hope.

Hope keeps Ben with me – it helps me to remember that he lived rather than that he died. Hope reminds me we will all be together again one day!

I have so much to be thankful for, yet my heart will always be shattered and broken. Part of it will always be empty. Waves of agonising sadness will keep pounding and I know there will be times I’ll feel like I’m drowning.

So I have to keep remembering hope doesn’t just happen! Maybe it’s about forcing ourselves to look up not down – but somewhere in amongst despair – if we seek it out we’ll find it.

We have to let ourselves feel it.

We have to believe it.

But it’s there.

Thank God it’s there!

Faith Hope and Love.

For all those we love – those who should be here.

For Ben 🌻

CREDIT: Ruth McDonald 2024