17 Dec When words simply aren’t enough!
December 2021
‘From the outside looking in you can never understand and from the inside looking out you can never explain…’
Three years ago I remember staring at this image and reading the words over and over again. I found it hard to believe that in one horrific moment we’d moved from one side of the glass to the other.
At about 1pm on 7th October 2018 my husband and I listened in disbelief to the most sickening devastating words no parent ever expects to hear. ‘
I’m so sorry…’
Our world turned upside down. Without warning we slid silently through that invisible pane of glass – reluctantly shifting from the side that didn’t understand… to the side that couldn’t explain. Once there, there is no going back.
One moment our darling happy smily boy was living life to the full; the next he was gone. It still feels unreal. Like a horrible dark unbelievable nightmare!
The only good thing about being on the wrong side of the glass are all the incredible beautiful people you find there. Strangers, connected by an unspeakable bond – walking the same agonising path. I’ve made some wonderful new friends who I know will be friends for life. I actually believe that our children must have brought us together, to help us cope with the pain of them being gone!
Our circumstances are different, but we cry the same tears – mixed with the same love. We’re not strong – just a bunch of broken people trying our best to survive.
But being a survivor is exhausting. Grief is heavy and debilitating. Our hearts silently scream for our child and there are times when it actually feels like we’re losing our minds. We stumble from one day to the next hiding behind masks because we dare not let the world see our pain – it’s too fragile and makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable.
The death of a child is quite simply one of the most devastating life changing events imaginable. It damages hearts so badly, they don’t fix.
We’re dazed, disoriented, empty, numb. Some days we function, some we don’t, as we limp along from one month to the next…
wondering how!
Each of us reluctantly having to learn how to live around the gaping hole where our darling child should be – cherishing precious moments that have now become priceless memories.
We would simply move mountains to honour our child and keep their beautiful light shining!
That’s what love does.
I always knew we lived in a broken world where terrible things happen and children die, but naively, I didn’t expect it would happen to me; to us. I used to wonder how any parent could actually survive the death of a child. How they could keep on living! I empathised as best I could and even felt some of their pain. I knew it must be horrific; shocking; excruciating; hideous!
But I had no idea!!
I couldn’t
And I’m sure we would all agree that the reality is a million times worse than anything we could have imagined. There are no words in our English language to describe such bitter agonising heartache.
When Ben died, I wanted the world to know what it felt like. Friends reeled with shock for a time then life carried on. Ours stood still! We felt frozen – stuck in that one terrifying moment. I tried to explain but couldn’t find the words – probably because they don’t exist!! It’s too awful. Too soul destroying. I became confused, disorientated, paranoid, lonely, agitated, anxious….
So, I started writing because I found I could lose myself in words. Typing onto a computer screen was so much easier than speaking. I could edit and re edit until it started to make a little sense – though how can you possibly describe…
A pain that is so physical, yet not physical?
A pain that can only be remedied by the one thing we can’t have?
A pain that hurts deep down inside the very core of our bodies?
A pain that simply says, ‘I love you and I miss you and I don’t want to live without you!’
Our hearts just weren’t designed for this!!
So, although it’s almost impossible to explain, here are just a few of the things we do want people to know…
– Our child is as much part of our world as if they were still here – maybe even more so because we think about them every minute of every day.
– Grief never leaves our side; we just get better at hiding it. There’s a fine art in trying to balance living with grieving – joy with pain. So please don’t assume if we’re smiling or laughing, we’re ‘over it’!
– Grief is lonely and it’s hard to ask for help. We’re different people now and actually need the love and understanding of friends more than ever. We still appreciate being invited to things even if our smile isn’t quite as bright as it used to be or if we have to back out at the last minute! Our confidence took a hit when our world shattered!
– Years are now filled with special dates – each one a hurdle that requires more strength than seems possible. The build up often worse than the day itself. Please bear with us if we seem more weird than normal!
– Finally and most importantly, please don’t be afraid to talk about our child – even if it makes us cry. We love to hear their name mentioned, to hear stories about them, to acknowledge that they existed. They’re our stars, our shining lights, our angels They will be missed from our world forever. Our grief will simply last as long as our love!
“We talk about them NOT because we’re stuck, or because we haven’t moved on, but we talk about them because we are theirs and they are ours, and no passage of time will ever change that.”
• https://www.all-greatquotes.com/
Because…
‘grief’s creator is love and love is stronger than death’
“As long as we live, you will live – we will carry you with us.
Always.
Everywhere we go!
One Moment blog. Credit: Ruth McDonald